continued from here
I couldn't sleep. Something about the fact that we weren't as safe as we thought we were just kept me up. Not Chayse, though. She fell right asleep. Unfortunately, I was not allowed the luxury of sleep. The darkness was all consuming and I couldn't concentrate on one thing like sleep. Too many things were running through my head. The fact that I had actually made it out of that death complex and with someone else intact.
The fact that I lost track of all my friends and God, my real feelings poured out. Ten years of stoic emotionless was let out into the darkness.
That's what dad used to say when I had been little and the world had been a different place. "Your a man, Harris. You don't cry. Quiet sobs, Harris. Always quiet sobs." I quietly sobbed, I didn't want to wake Chayse and even after all these years I didn't want to let dad down. But that's what I did. Because Willow was gone. A monster had taken Willow's body and now she was parading around with Angelus. His right hand was my old best friend. The girl who I hung out with since grade school. The girl who gained redemption after almost destroying the world because she was Willow. But that thing was not Willow. She was not who Willow used to be. She was a monster. Willow was gone, dead and buried, years ago and I was...Xander. A shall of my former self.
It came out in spurts. First it was Willow and then it was Buffy. They had captured her, had used her blood to walk in the day, had fed off of her livelihood and apparently, according to Cordelia she had been saved. She was out there somewhere with...someone.
She was gone as well. She was a vampire, apparently somehow a double-agent of some sort or she was pretending to be and that just...I mean before it had pissed me off. I couldn't believe it. I rebelled. I ignored her but deep down, deep down inside myself I knew how it really felt. Things hurt. I hurt, because my first real girlfriend had been turned, the Cordelia I knew was gone and you know what? The Cordelia I hadn't know was gone too. A lot apparently happened when she had worked with Angel...alot that hadn't involved her being vamped. Apparently, that had to come later. Apparently, in the grand scheme of things Cordelia had to die, had to be turned into the very thing she loathed the most and then had to gain a consciense.
Cordelia and Buffy and Willow and ...
"Oh, snap out of it Xander. You're beginning to look like me after you left me at the altar!" Anya. It had felt like she was talking to me but that couldn't be because she was gone. She had been gone for...she was gone. "Well, okay so I play the altar card a little too often, Xander but really. Wake up and smell the blood taste in the coffee because this isn't you." I looked up. Had I fallen asleep. I hadn't remembered falling asleep. I guess I wouldn't have. "Xander, I just don't know what I'm going to do with you. You lose yourself for ten years..." She was there, sitting at the table, her legs crossed. "I just don't get you. I know I'm blunt. I'm like, the queen of being frank because I used to be a demon but come on, just look at yourself. You're like...this...shell, Xander. Shell of your former self." Is that where I had gotten that thought from? Anya? "Be the Xander I knew. You were the heart. You were My rock, Xander. I know you can feel it." No. This wasn't her because she was, she wasn't, she isn't- "Oh, my God, Xander." She shook her head and got up, crossing her arms. "Will this prove it's me?" She knelt down, grabbed my face, and kissed me before pulling back.
And then she slapped me.
My eyes opened with a start. Somehow I had moved to the back of the bar. I felt my head which somehow had gotten a headache. Memories of a vague dream came back to me as I pushed myself up using the ground and heard my name being called. "Wah?" Okay, so I knew the reason I had a headache. I had curled up on the bar...and I guess in the night or early morning I had fallen off of it. I grabbed my head and then clutched the bar pulling myself up. "I'm...I'm here." I came to a standing position and it took me a moment to gain my balance. "Right here..."
I looked behind me, the familiar face just lingering but not really there. "Thanks, Anya..." I whispered.